As of a few weeks ago, I reached the middle of my draft (which was about 40k words out of 80k) and I printed that out! And I want to say that I’m stuck, really stuck, cement stuck and I’m not sure why.
I think from the start i’ve had a lot of trouble acknowledging that I’m a zero draft writer and understanding that my second draft would probably look more like any one else’s first draft. I’m still struggling with that. The expectation of getting words out and have those words make sense is large and ever expanding. I feel like I have a responsibility to tell this story and I feel like I’m failing. I wish all the thoughts and scenes would pour out of my head and splatter the page with wonderful, movie worthy descriptions.
And I think that’s my big issue. I’ve always had trouble articulating myself, now more than ever. I don’t know what to say let alone what story to tell. I feel like I’m in this transitional phase where i’m reaching for something or trying to be someone and just falling short. My writing is reflecting that.
And honestly there are so many issues I’m struggling with that it’s hard to find the time to tackle them all. I’m on new medication, a mix of anti-depressants and anti-psychotics that both make me feel better but also fall short of really helping me. I’ve been properly diagnosed with Bipolar, BPD and PTSD. I feel alone, I don’t have anyone in my life that I can really abandon pretences with or even just, call up and hang out. Most of all, I’m really trying to drop the idea of needing to prove that I’m important or worth something to people who probably didn’t give a shit about me in the first place.
I’m juggling the mid-semester of a bachelor. I should be able to just breath, but the thing is, I want to write, I’m motivated, I’m ahead with my school work and here I am, not knowing where or how to start. And it’s not an issue of just starting, I feel stuck. Not just in my story but in my life; and that’s the thing isn’t it, my story is my life or it’s at least a very big part of it.
And you know, I have scenes, I even have this entire other story that would work really well for me as well but it’s not right, it’s not ready for me to write and I don’t want to break away at all from my current story, there is this need inside of me to finish it. I just don’t know how and it’s not the point of just soldiering on. I don’t know.
You know what i’ve been feeling the most, that I’m not doing anything, that I have all this art and I’m not able to do anything with it. I’m struggling with finishing things because I get bored, I’m struggling to even start things because I don’t feel like I’m talented enough to really do them (and in most cases I’m not).
There is so many things here that I don’t have an answer to but it feels good to be able to list them out, and maybe that’s just the first step to figuring stuff out.